Like Jenna put it: respect for the X
My new and improved journal: my_rainy_nightI added you so make me smile and add me back.
|1 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
LiveJournal for xpanaceax.
|Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004|
Like Jenna put it: respect for the X
My new and improved journal: my_rainy_nightI added you so make me smile and add me back.
|1 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Monday, August 2nd, 2004|
Today was better but not much.
I went to the Renaissance Festival with my Mom and Booty. Met Casey and his drunk broad, Tina and her friend Jen. Those 3 had to leave early cuz Tina got so drunk that if she didn't leave she was going to get arrested cuz she was puking and stuff. Class act.
I got a cute pot that says "MISTAKES" on it, but it's printed up side down.
Played poker, lost.
Heard Booty's story 50 million times about how he got fired but how he's getting his job back. He just might.
I'm supposed to go to Lunch with Mike Peterson tomorrow. Hopefully he doesn't flake out. I'd love to see him. I haven't talked to him in so damn long. I remember the good ol' days in 8th grade when he had such a huge crush on me, and I wouldn't give him the time of day. We were friends, but ohh he was so annoying. Then, one day I liked him back. Then the next day he didn't like me anymore. Then he got a boner in my hot tub the day before snowboarding camp and I accidentally touch it. And it was funny cuz he was hard. Ohh yay for middle school.
I'm pretty tired.
And I don't know what Justin's deal is. Guess that's just how shit goes.
Oh yeah, my schedule:
9:00 Geology 101
10:00 Academic Writing 102
11:00 American Social Problems 168
12:00 General Psychology 100
9:30 Intermediate Spanish II 254
2:00 Geology Lab 105 (Tuesdays only)
I can't wait for school. I'm so excited. Plus that schedule should be pretty easy. I’m going to try so hard for a 4.0. I have confidence that I can do it cuz I did so well last semester. Tell me if you have any classes with me, K?
|3 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Saturday, July 31st, 2004|
Looking back, my last entry sucked. I don't like it, you probably didn't either. I don't feel like that anymore.
I'm home. It's nice to be back.
Tonight sucked so, so bad. It really did. [Casey, fuck you. Trae, fuck you. Justin, fuck you the most.]
I guess I was so excited to get home, so excited. Only to have a real lousy night.
AhhHHhHHHh DRAMAAAAAHhhHhHhh at work. Always drama.
I've been up 23 hours and 30 minutes. Kinda tired.
I really, really hope I have a better night tomorrow.
I miss Gunny. I really miss Amber and Justin (different Justin than the one mentioned above).
I'm not very happy with myself right now.
|8 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Thursday, July 29th, 2004|
I was inspired by a Foo to make a countdown (including today):
So this means:
I just get so comfortable where I go. When I was in Gunny I was so not ready to leave and go home for the summer, so not ready. Now I'm at home, super attached to my new friends. Most of the nights that I've been in England I've had dreams where I go back home and I see Booty and he gives me a big hug and kiss. Almost every night, including last night. I want to be home so badly. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye to them. These 2 weeks were hard enough, I don't want to say goodbye. I know that I'm only a 4 hour drive away, but still, that's 4 hours. I really do miss them, I really do. And I already miss them when I leave in August and it's still July. I guess I'll just have to cherish the time that I have left.
Oh, by the way, I got my ear pierced in Bath, England. Me and this girl, Leah, got our ears pierced. She got her cartilage, and I got, umm I don't know what it's called, my rook or snug or something. I'll put a picture of it up when I get home. It hurt, yes indeedy. But not as bad as my conches, no sir-ee. It's neat-o though, that's for sure. I like it, I definitely do like it.
|clothes so styled|
|Wednesday, July 28th, 2004|
|Today was pretty long. Lots of driving. I slept a little bit, read a little bit. Tonight I'm in York, England. I'm just so ready to get back home. So ready. 3 more nights, that's all. I guess I'll try and enjoy it while I can. I think after I'm done here I might go back to the hotel and take a nice, long, shower. Things are building up in me, like emotions and actions that I have no release for. Judy snapped at me a few minutes ago for grabbing her out of the street (mind you, where cars, bikes and people were all going and she's just standing there like a deer in a headlight). But she got pissed that I grabbed her. I don't like getting yelled at much, never did care for it really. So since that was like 10 mins ago I'm just kinda eghh. I don't really know what else to write about except for the fact that I just want to get home. It's Wednesday, I'll be home Saturday. Plus it's easier these days because I know the people on the tour a lot better since time has passed, so it's easier to get away from Judy when I need to. I concluded today that I don't really care for the Velvet Underground. I've spent so much money the last week and a half that it's just un real. Went into a church that was made in the 900's A.D. Pretty neet, though I'm not religious. Scotland was so awesome, I really wish that I could have spent more time there on this trip. I guess next time that I come back I know to go to Scotland much more than England. London is worth seeing, for sure, it's like nothing else, it really is, but Scotland was more fun. Maybe I could go swimming tonight, that would be nice. I'm just kind of waiting for Judy to be done with her internet. It's £2.00 for 30 mins, which is really expensive. That's like $4.00 for 30 mins... yeah a rip off, wouldn't you say? Plus I'm on a mac, and it's slow. So yay for me. Although I did decide today that I would like to go to the Static-X concert, which is in the next few weeks in Denver somewhere. I like that band. Who wants to come? *** I want to see all and do all and it's discouraging that I never will be able to. I want to see all the places and know all the people, but I can't. And if I do, will I remember it well? Or will it fade as all other memories do? Sorry for the words that are spelled wrong, and the crappy writing, I'm not editing this entry. I miss home so much right now. And it sucks because I can use a payphone and pay 50 cents/minute or pay a $5 flat fee at the hotel to simply use my calling card. Bogus, truly bogus. My neck has a bug bit or hive or something on it, it's itched all day. And last night I burnt the skin inbetween my 2 front teeth on the underside biting a chip, a.k.a. french fry. The English don't like to give the French credit for their fries. Just kidding, I know they really didn't come from France. Seriously, Scotland was so awesome. You really should go there. England is just ughh. I guess at least I can say I've been here. Oh how I just miss everything. I miss my mom and dad. I miss home food, I'm soooo sick of restaurants. I miss my boys and friends. I miss my cell phone. I miss my bed, my shower, my privacy. I miss it all. Time is up.|
|1 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Tuesday, July 27th, 2004|
I don't have very many minutes left.
I love the town of Edinburgh in Scotland, I really do.
4 nights to go and I'll be home.
Today was nice. This lady Dorth, bought me a beer today. It was a scottish beer, I liked it. Dorthy is so nice. She's like my mom on the trip, but in a cool way.
Booty left me a message on my phone today, and it just made me smile so much. :D I can't wait to get home! I had a dream about him last night. That I got back home and that I went to my work to see him and he just gave me the biggest hug and kiss. And that's about it. Well I was supposed to dress up as batman and a witch to eat dinner there, but the costume was dirty or something. Weird dream, I know.
I bought some scottish whisky flavoured condoms today. Great!
Tonight I'm eating dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in Edinburgh. My grandma wanted to go to a hosh post restaurant to celebrate her birthday. I only got her a card. I didn't know what to get her. I feel bad, but I'm sure a card will make her smile. I mean what am I supposed to get her? She's got so much damn money as it is, so I don't know. At least I'm being thoughtful with a card, right?
I'll have to let you know how the condoms taste!! Hehe! Just kidding, I'm giving them as gifts!
|1 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Monday, July 26th, 2004|
I'm in Scotland right now. I like Scotland a lot. 7 nights down on the trip, 5 to go. I'm so ready to get back home.
It's nice here in Europe, it just sucks because all I'm doing are the tourist things. I'm not really getting a feel for the countries or the people. Oh well.
I've seen a lot. So far in England I've been to London, Chester, Hay-on-Wye, Bath, Lake District. Still in England I have York and Stradfor-upon-Avon to go to. I've also been into the country Wales. And right now I'm in Scotland in a town called Edinborough. (sp?) It's the capital. I'm here tonight and tomorrow night. Then I get home on Saturday evening.
But like I said, I'm ready to get home.
I've been writing a lot in my notebook, but this is the first chance I've had to use the internet.
I might type all of what I wrote when I get home, I might not. I'm not really sure.
Any who, umm not really much is new because I've been on vacation.
I called a few people back home last night, it was really, really nice to talk to them. I talked to Justin for like 15 mins or so. This are really great with him. They're exactly where I want them to be, and I'm pretty sure the same is for him. I'm just a little frightened that I'm going to get too attached to him, but I'll work hard not to. I mean we're not together or anything like that, so it should be easy enough not to. I've got a smile on and I know he does, I asked him.
But I sure miss my boys at home. I really do. I miss my hugs and kiss from Booty. My "What up buddy?" from Justin. I miss Trae smacking my ass and non-chalantly rubbing up against my boobs. I miss Tracy making me laugh. (Hey Trace! I sent you a post card the other day. Chances are I'll beat it home. But also I got you and Jake something from Scotland! You'll like it. It involves alcohol!)
I miss girl talk with Crystal. I miss the use of my cell phone. I miss mom and I miss dad and I miss my American dollar. Everything is so fucking expensive, it's ridiculous!
I also called Trae, just to double check about buying him a Scotland rugby jersey. It's going to be at least $50 I'm sure. Because they have pounds here, and when something is £25, consider it about $50. The American dollar has lost so much value lately. So pretty much everything I buy I pay twice as much for. Usually the prices aren't any cheaper. Like at Starbucks for example. Say coffee is $2.00 in the states. Here it would be like £1.75 (so a little bit cheaper). But I'm paying $3.50 for something that usually costs $2. Sucks. So anyway, I called Trae, to see how much he wanted to spend, also to see what size. It was nice to talk to him for a few minutes as well.
But this is a great experience and I'm learning so much. I'll post pics soon.
I guess that's about all.
I miss you!
|clothes so styled|
|Sunday, July 18th, 2004|
Welp, my plane leaves in about 4 hours and 40 minutes. Pretty excited. A 10 hour plane ride is going to suck. But it’s at night, so I’ll sleep most of it. I got a few books and all my CDs, a few magazines (Snowboarder and Cosmopolitan), and a journal. So, I should stay busy with that. And a blow up pillow. Oh yes.
Last night, ohh boy, last night was incredible. Won’t go into details, but it’s been something that I’ve longed for, for quite some time. It was incredible.
And on another note, I’m not straight edge anymore. I’ve broken it all 3 ways, and I did all three last night. I took a sip of wine. It made me feel a warm and shit. I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in like 2 and half years. Then a while later, got naked (you don’t have to try hard to figure the rest out), and took a drag of a cig after. I still feel like the same person, 100%. Being straight edge is what I needed for a while in my life, now I don’t. Plus, I’m going to
You can lose respect for me, I don’t care. Or you can gain some. Because when drugs and alcohol pretty much ran my life, I was able to give them up in order to gain control and get a great head on my shoulders. I don’t need to live that lifestyle anymore because I know I’ll still make good decisions. Now, I don’t have that label and those restrictions. I don’t think this is a mistake. I think it’s me growing up.
So, as Jenna did, when I get back I’ll give my respect to the Xs and change my name.
I’m happy, I really am. And I definitely have a lot to smile about the next 2 weeks while I’m away from it all.
Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I can find some way to use my dig camera and upload pictures on here quite a bit. If not, oh well.
You all enjoy the last 2 weeks of your July 2004. I’ll catch ya later.
|12 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Friday, July 16th, 2004|
|Who wants a postcard from England or Scotland?! If you want one leave me your address or e-mail it to me. (Sooozieq@msn.com)|
|1 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Thursday, July 15th, 2004|
Last night was so fucking awesome! Well, we played poker for a bit and I lost, which sucks, but oh well. But then I went back to Justin's, and I just had a really, really great night with him. I didn't get home till after 5 in the morning. Whoops.
Everyone, you should add snuperhalfjew to your friends list. It's Tracy and he's the most snuper half jew there is! I work with him and he's the funniest guy ever!!!!!!!
Bath... or shower.... bath... or shower? I'm thinkin bath.
Ohh shit, I went shopping yesterday. I got the cutest brown corduroy capris and the cutest tank top! Plus 4 new pairs of panties! Yay! I love shopping.
Time to get bubbly in the tub!
.... I'm feeling a little more like myself today.
|clothes so styled|
|Wednesday, July 14th, 2004|
I just haven't been feeling much like myself lately. I haven't been as outgoing, as motivated, and as happy as I usually am. I think there are a few reasons why. But they’re pretty dumb, and I choose not to share.
I'm just ready to leave and go on vacation for 14 days. I really need to bring something that I can write in, that's for sure. It would be sweet if internet was easily available, but if it's not... all well. I’ll still have a notepad and pen.
I just don't really feel like there's much to smile about right now.
I meet my new roommate today, Emma. She seems way cool, for sure. Sort of quiet, but definitely an awesome person. She doesn't seem very girly, which is cool because both Amber and Angela were very girly. She just seems quiet and laid back. She didn't really have much to share. I'd ask her questions and I'd just get like brief answers, no details really. Which I mean, that's totally cool, I can understand why someone wouldn't want to share their personal shit or whatever with a stranger. But overall, it went well. Good things: Her ears are at a 0g, pretty decent taste in music, laid back, nice, friendly, outdoorsy, likes to snowboard. Bad things: Quiet, umm but not too quiet, and that's about it. I don't think we'll have many problems living together, but it's hard to say weather or not we'll be good friends. I can see us being friends though, for sure, just never can tell though. Alex, I can definitely see you liking her. She's kinda like Liz, just maybe more down to earth. And with brown hair.
Talking to her on the phone a few times, she seemed like maybe a little stand off-ish, or like just too cool for some things, but she really isn't like that, which is good. I think she'll be a lot of fun.
Anyway, I really don't know what's going on with Justin. Sometimes I feel like he's really not into me anymore. He's sick, so maybe that's it. But it just kinda sucks. Last night I was just really wishing that I had someone in my bed with me to hold me.
Watched Casey, Booty, Justin and Booty's brother, Mike, play poker for a little bit tonight. Then Justin, Casey and I went to waffle house. Casey is such a little fucker. Tonight, when I was at Booty's he really wasn't giving me much attention, which is fine with me. Like I said, he’s a little fucker. Then we go to waffle house he's pretty flirty and shit. And I'm just like WTF? Whatever though, seriously, fuck him. It's fine the way things are now. It sucks nothing more happened, or probably will ever happen, but I'm sure it's better this way. You can't always get want you want.
I sure would like to go to Warped Tour, but not really for $40. I checked today at Ticketmaster.com, and that's the final price. So... I'm probably going to have to pass.
It's probably about bed time. I have to work a double tomorrow. I'm really dreading it. I think that when I get cut the 1st time, I'm going to get a manicure. No fake nails, just a really nice paint job and shit. My nails have just gone to hell. And I don't feel like fixing them.
I hate the summer. I'm hot as fuck right now. My face is even sweating a little bit. And it's 1:47 in the morning with the window open. Ughhhh.
I just want it to be autumn. How I love autumn. Especially October.
|4 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Tuesday, July 13th, 2004|
Where did the summer go? Seriously. I leave in what... 5 days for 2 weeks. And when I get back I've got 3 weeks, then the summer is over. It's back to school.
I'm excited to go back to school, meet new people, live in a new environment. But it's just gonna suck leaving behind what I've established here. Such is life I suppose.
I just have this huge overwhelming feeling right now. Just like I know have so much shit to do, but I just really don't have the time or energy to do it. Let's see, maybe I should make a list. Ehh maybe later.
Work was tons better tonight. Heather was manager. I like it when she manages. She's just like really chill and it's just way cool. Plus I got cut like before 8 I think, which kicks ass.
Tonight was kinda lame. Non lame part(s): Painted Tracy's nails. Damnit, I should have taken a picture. Maybe tomorrow I'll take one. Umm the rest of the night was pretty lame. Justin is sick, so he was no fun. And Jake was just all quite and stuff. We talked for a while though; I guess that wasn't really that lame. I don't know... Just a dull night I suppose. Oh well...
I really need to get a CD scratcher repairer thingy. So many of my CD's are fucked up and it sucks. Plus I want to put all my CD's on MP3 CDs so that I can have all MP3 CDs in my car and have the rest in my room. But that would require the CDs to be in good shape. That's just one thing I've wanted to do this summer. Put all my CDs on to MP3 CDs.
I have no motivation to work out anymore. I had tons at the beginning of the summer. Seems like ever since I got that stomach bug I just can't get on the treadmill or lift weights anymore. Whatever. If anyone has any motivational tips, let me know.
Trae was at work tonight. So was Casey. Trae is super fun to work with, just cuz he's real flirty and just fun. And I'm liking Casey less and less, which is awesome. Trace was there too, for a little bit. He left the floor real nice and ready to go for me. That Tracy, such a hard working mother fucker.
So yeah, right now I'm laying my head down while I type. I'm just tired. I want to relax, for a good day. I'm gonna go watch TV. This entry kinda sucks. Here's a picture to improve it. Or maybe more.
Me and my mommy at Heartman's.
And me and my dad.
Justin (future RA) and Erik (former RA). I miss these guys. This was the "manscaping" activity. I makeuped both of them. They're such awesome guys. I love Justin's hair!
This is Amber and Tyler. Amber was my roommate. I miss both of them a ton too. I wouldn't be surprised if these two got together this year.
Ben, Scott, Alex and Jeff. I don't know if you can read Ben's shirt. It says "Highagain". Hehe, real cute Ben. Too bad Ben isn't going to be there anymore. I really liked him.
Kelli, Shannon, Shelby, Courtney, Kelsey, Monica, and me. Kelli, Courtney and Mon are my closer friends.
Oh yeahhhh. This is our fuck me now please pose.
Me and Stephy. I just love this picture.
|3 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Monday, July 12th, 2004|
Yesterday I cut my armpit when I was shaving it. It hurt.
Alex and I went to lunch yesterday at Red Robin. I had a really great time.
Worked sucked so incredibly bad yesterday. I’m really dreading that I have to go today in an hour and a half.
I worked with Casey all last night. There was a lot of awkwardness for a while. Then I confronted him. Told him how I felt and then it was better. He told me that we’d go out before I leave on Sunday. I highly doubt we will. I really don’t feel like wasting my time anymore anyway.
I did find out that he cancelled plans with me to see Tina. When I found that out, it didn’t hurt. I was just like whatever. I still have a crush on him or whatever, just because I can’t help that, but other than that I’m just like fuck it.
Last night I hung out at Jake’s and Tracy’s. It was OK. We played poker. It was me, Casey, Jake and Justin. I was the 1st out. Oh well. Tracy and I hung out for the rest of the night. It was a lot of fun. He was a little intoxicated and just being funny. I definitely enjoy his company. We talked a lot, and it was really nice. He told me some stuff about him, but I sorta had to dig, just a little, so then I kinda stopped. Cuz he’ll tell me what he wants to tell me. But then we talked about all my little boys from work. Good stuff. I pretty much knew everything, just about, that he did. So that’s good.
Justin was there. I think things are cool between us, but sometimes I get the vibe that he doesn’t want to hang out with me. I asked him, and he was just like no dude, I wanna hang out with you.
Damn, I really, really don’t want to go to work today. I’m supposed to cover Justin’s shift on Thursday, I don’t think I’m going to. I really need to start getting my shit together to go to
I guess my flight doesn’t leave till 8PM, so I might to go Warped Tour, since it’s that day.
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|Sunday, July 11th, 2004|
Yesterday was the worst day of work ever. I think I had about 10 hours of work, and ohhh it just sucked. The computers were down, so it was like it was the 70's. The servers were going ape shit. It was long, hard, and tiring. All well, I guess you've gotta earn your money, you know?
Casey worked last night. I didn't see him till the end of the night. He asked me how the concert was and I said great, because it was. I'm glad I went to the show, because I really didn't even want to after he backed out. My mom was the one who wanted to go.
Right now, when I think about it, I'm so upset. Well not so much anymore, but that mother fucker really hurt me. But when I'm around him I'm just like ohhhhh Casey ::bats eyes:: shit like that. It sort of pisses me off that I'm like that. I can be so angry at him, but when I'm around him I'm just like ohh Casey, you can do no wrong. Whatever.
So then last night I went to Booty's. Justin was there. It was nice to see the both of them. Justin worked like 8 hours yesterday at the shit job. We were both sooo tired.
There's definitely something more between me and Justin than just a friendship, and more than things just being about sex. Which is awesome, I think. But I think it's kinda scared him off. And just for the record, we still haven't had sex. So last night we were just acting regular or whatever. Showing nothing more than friendship. Then we went to Waffle House. And we talked a little bit about stuff. The only really notable thing he said was that he just didn't want to get attached to me since I'm leaving. Which I'm on the same page.
At the end of the night we were so tired, he was just going to go to bed. So I didn't even go inside. Which is fine with me, I was super tired too. I knew I would just fall asleep. But he kissed me. And it was a real good kiss.
I'm about to hop in the shower and meet Alex today for lunch. I'm really excited. I haven't seen him in forever and I miss being around him.
Then I get to work, where it's going to be hell.
But it's OK. I can take it!
|2 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Saturday, July 10th, 2004|
I wish I was still in the heat of the moment. I wish when I felt like kicking, screaming, crying, when I was overflowing with emotions, that I had 10 minutes to sit down and write. Well… I didn’t. Because I had so many emotions going through me, and I wish I had this in front of me to ease me then.
Fucking last night I played poker till 4 in the morning. But I fucking won. Fuck yeah I did. I won $40! I beat 4 other guys, and took all their money. It was so awesome. I always came in 2nd place, but ohh no not last night. Last night, I won. Go me.
So last night, Casey and I are the last 2 in. I ask him, because no one else is really around, if he’s still planning on going with me to the Zeppelin concert tomorrow. He’s like ohh shit! That’s tomorrow? Uhh yeah Casey, July 9th, I told you a long time ago. Duh. He tells me how he made plans to go out. And I was like ohh, right, you’ve got another date don’t you. He’s like no, not really a date, I’m just going out with some friends. And he just kept saying, oh shit, ahh it’s tomorrow? Why didn’t you tell me? Uhh, stupid fucker, I did.
Apparently it was the night from hell at work last night, I didn’t work, but Casey did. And so last night around 4, when we’re both leaving we’re talking, just me and him, outside. He’s like I knew it was the 9th I just didn’t know it was this Friday. So we’re standing there and he tells me how he doesn’t really want to make a decision then and that he’d tell me first thing in the morning at 11, when we both work. I was like OK. And while we were talking, and hugging, I would just look at him and I would just want to kiss him so bad. I seriously, ohh how I wanted to kiss him. Just a little kiss, just to see if he kisses back.
So this morning comes, it’s 11. I don’t hear anything, at all, about it. Then it’s 12:00, 1, 2, etc. The more time goes on the more I realize that he’s not going. And I’m like OK whatever, that’s fine, I’ll just take my mom or Courtney, or something. So I go back into the kitchen and Justin and Casey are talking about it. Casey says, “Yeah it’s like the Colorado Symphony Orchestra playing the music of Led Zeppelin.” Then he looks at me and says, “Right?” OH SO NOW YOU REMEMBER, FUCK HEAD. And this is around 3:30, and it’s the first time he’s mentioned it all day. And I asked him if he’s still going with me. And he tells me, “I don’t think so.” God, that fucking hurt. It hurt so, so bad. It was just like bam, in my heart… ouch. And I honestly didn’t think I would care if he ended up not going. I guess I was wrong. He says to me with his pointer and thumb and inch apart, “Honestly I feel this big right now.” Then he tries to tell me how he’s going to make it up to me, he promises. You know what Casey, I don’t even believe that. I was about to say I’ll believe it when I see it. No, fuck that and fuck you, you’re not going to make it up to me. Make it up to me by fucking turning the clock back, and going with me. Even more, fucking remembering. You fucking say you’re going to make it up to me. Pshhh, you’re not going to even try. You’ll just fucking forget, or make other plans, or just be a fucking flake.
It’s one thing to forget about a date, but to forget about a date where I asked you straight up, you sounded so excited, I spent $80 fucking dollars, even bought a whole new outfit for. I was looking forward to this for almost two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS. FUCKING $80 TICKETS. A NEW MOTHER FUCKING OUTFIT. I didn’t care if we didn’t even kiss or anything. I just wanted to go with you. I wanted to have some one on one time. Spend time with someone I enjoy being around. Listen to some of the best music I know. To try and figure out how you feel about me. If it’s anything like the way I feel about you. Obviously, it’s not. Because I was SO excited to go to this with you. I had been planning for so long.
But seriously Casey, fuck you. You really fucking hurt me. I can’t believe you forgot. Well, you didn’t forget, you just didn’t know that it was the same day that you made more important plans. What the fuck did you do tonight that was so fucking important anyway? Tina? Yeah I bet you fucking fucked her. Or did you? Maybe you smoked too much pot and forgot. Or maybe you did, because you’re totally into her, and you’re just torturing me and leading me on. Or maybe you went out to the bars or the clubs with your friends. Something you could do on Saturday night, or next Friday, or whenever. I bet it wasn’t a once in a lifetime chance to see the Colorado Symphony Orchestra play the music of Led Zeppelin. Something your fucking sorry ass can never do again. Two things piss me off the most: the fact that I paid $80 fucking dollars and the fucking fact that you made plans with them 2nd. You even told me to my face that you made plans with me firsts. I guess that doesn’t mean anything to you, does it, asshole?
When I left work today, I felt like crying. I didn’t, but I felt like it. You hurt me and you really upset me. I just must not be that important to you, and I must just not mean that much to you. Because if I did you wouldn’t have forgotten, and you wouldn’t have done that. I guess I know where I fucking stand. You would have remembered and you wouldn’t have made plans with whomever the fuck you made plans with. You would have been excited, like me. But you didn’t and you weren’t.
And fuck you even more because I know I still like you. You fucking hurt me so bad today, but I know I still like you. I know I’d fucking bend over backwards for you, or to even have just one kiss.
I guess I just don’t do it for you. And that’s fine, you can’t help that. I just feel like it sucks that I like you so much but I don’t have long beautiful blond hair, a skinny little tummy, lean, long thighs, boobs so big they’re out of proportion with the rest of my body, that I don’t wear as you would say “borderline skanky” white pants, that I don’t make every head turn. Maybe this is a little much, and maybe it’s not how it really is. But I know you like girls like that, and it’s just hard no to think like that.
Fuck you because you just really fucking hurt me.
Anyway, I saw Spiderman 2 last night. It was good.
And I did have a great night with my mom. It was so awesome to see that concert with her. It was a great show. Although, I was disappointed with the songs they played. I really wanted to hear Dazed and Confused, Babe I’m Gonna Leave You, and No Quarter. Didn’t get any of that. Ohh well. But it was awesome spending time with my mom, and talking with her, and just being with her. She can be the most awesome person in the world sometimes.
Then I felt bad because Justin knew Casey and I were supposed to go to that together. Justin came up to me and said he would go with me, but that he had to work. And then I told him that I wish I would have asked him first, but that I asked Casey a long time ago. I wish I would have asked Justin. Once again, ohh well.
Trae called me tonight. It made me smile. He wanted me to come party with him, but he called at like 11:30 and it was just too late. And I just told him I had a shitty day, and he asked why, and I told him and he said, “Ohhh I would have gone to that with you! You should have asked me!” …….. Ohh well. It made me smile though, that he called me and wanted me to party with him. It really did.
Tomorrow I get to work another double! Yay! It’ll be a good 8-10 hour day. Whatever. The only thing better I had to do is pout and sleep.
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|Thursday, July 8th, 2004|
Yesterday I worked a double. It sucked. But it's work and I'm just happy I have a job that pays pretty decent.
I leave this country in 10 days for 14 days! I'm really excited. I should probably start packing soon.
Last night I saw King Arthur with Booty and Justin. I love hanging out with the both of them, especially just the 2 of them. They're just so sweet to me, and they make me feel like a princess! Oh yeah, and the movie kicked ass! I really, really liked it!
It sure is nice to sleep in. I have so much dumb little shit I need to do today. Like:
à Clean out my car
à Finish laundry
à Paint my finger and toe nails.
à Clean my room and bathroom
I guess that’s not that much. But it’s already 3:30 and Booty called to see if I wanted to go to a movie around 5. I’ll probably pass. I should do all this shit, and it would be nice to see my parents for a while.
Oh yeah, Alex called me today and we're going to lunch at Red Robin in Castle Rock at 2 on Sunday. I'm really excited. I haven't seen him in so long, and I've got a lot to say and to talk about. So I'm really looking forward to that.
|2 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Wednesday, July 7th, 2004|
I went shopping all day today. First with
Then Jake and I went and saw Fahrenheit 9/11. Pretty good. Can't say I'm the biggest Michael Moore fan though. All well, it was definitely worth seeing.
Then I went back to Jake's.
When Jake and I went to the movies I went to the window to get my ticket, then he like pushed me out of the way with his butt and told the lady make that two. I was just thinking to myself, if you wanna pay for my ticket, why don't you just like ask me, or do it in a mature way. Jake is 23, but acts like 15, if that. I really don't like that about him. I can't really tell if he still likes me or not. But I'm trying to give him hints that I'm really not interested. And then I feel bad because I'm like what if Casey is doing the same thing to me. Oh well, whatever, never mind.
I'm really excited to go out on Friday. I just can't wait. I hope it goes really well!
I have to work a double tomorrow. It sucks because I'll get like 6-7 hours total tomorrow, but yet it will take up my whole day. Ughh. I guess it's not like I really have anything better to do. I could clean, lay out in the sun, sleep all day, but I don't have to work Thursday, so I guess I'll do that then.
I talked to my new roommate Emma today. She sounds so awesome. She lives in
Casey, please visit me in my dreams tonight. Night.
|3 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Monday, July 5th, 2004|
What does it mean? What does it mean to me?
Simply stated it means, "Don't drink, don't smoke, don't fuck." Many people take it much further. I don't. To me, it's simply that.
To me, it's a life style I have chosen for 2 years and 4 months. For those 2 years it was super easy. I was never temped to do anything to break that. The biggest reason for that was Alex. I do believe I labeled myself straight edge before Alex and I became friends, but I know he was a big reason why I got so into it. But the last 4 or so months, it’s been a lot harder.
Looking back to my sophomore year, I was so unhappy. I hated life, I had shitty friends, I was definitely depressed, and I had a horrible relationship with my parents. They had no trust in me and they were very disappointed in me. I tore my ACL in January of my sophomore year, had surgery that following March. During that time, I didn't give a shit about anything. I couldn't snowboard, I was on crutches for so long, I just sat on my ass. The only thing that mattered to me was pot. All I cared about was getting high. If I got high, it wasn't too bad of a day.
My best friend at the time, Mary, (we're no longer friends) and I got high sooo many days on the way to school. And then all the time on the weekends. Though looking back, January through March was the worst, I still revolved way too much of my life around pot all of my sophomore year prior to March.
I was so stupid and made such dumb choices. I lost my virginity when I was drunk, to a guy I'll never see again. He probably doesn't even know my name. I didn't care about life and where I was headed. I had no direction, and I didn't give a shit what happened.
March 1st, 2002, I went to a party at Jon Bott's house. Mary and I bought an 1/8 of dank before the party from Chris Friedly. Mary, Meg, Jamie and I smoked the whole thing in my car. I was stoned as fuck. I honestly thing that was the most fucked up on weed I had ever gotten. Long story short, the cops came, and I ran like a mother fucker from them. I fucked my knee up even more, only 6 days from surgery. I sure hope to never run from them again.
Seriously, what kind of life are you living when you're 16, running from the cops, and stoned out of your mind? Sadly and honestly, it seems like a life too many teenagers live.
I definitely had an epiphany that night. With all the shit that went wrong, but at the same time, everything I got away with. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live that life. I couldn't do it to myself, but even more, to my parents.
On March 2nd I wrote them a note saying how I was going to change. I wasn't going to be like this anymore. I was going to make much better choices, and I was going to change my life. And so I did. I completely quit everything. And since that day I have not taken one drag of a cigarette, one sip of alcohol, or one hit of weed. And that did change my life. I rapidly came of out depression, I cared about my life again, the relationship with my parents is now tighter and has more trust than ever, I became happy. That was the change I needed.
Life has been great since then. I've just been really happy and I keep improving myself, I think. I've dealt and conquered anger problems. And I'm slowly gaining a lot more self confidence in my self and my appearance. I've already got a semester of college under my belt. I'm headed in the right direction.
The choice to be straight edge was the best choice for me at that time in my life. No doubt. Not only did I have as much control of my life as I felt possible, but I saw other people and their relationships with drugs, alcohol and sex. I've seen people go through things I never want to. Being a little bit older and a little big wiser I've seen other people's mistakes and poor choices. But there are also people who do all that, and have no problems. It’s how you handle it, and what you choose. You can choose to be responsible or irresponsible, basically.
What I'm getting at, is I wondering if being straight edge is still what's right for me. Now that I've been on both spectrums, and seen the lives of other people while on both sides. I've learned a lot, I really have. And I'm wondering if I should still choose to not drink, smoke, or have meaningless sex.
And to be completely honest, I think I broke it last night. And the part I broke was having meaningless sex. I didn't have sex, I repeat, I DID NOT have sex, but I messed around with someone who I'm not in a relationship with. It was messing around simply for the sake of messing around. I didn't really think about it at the time, but this morning I was wondering if I broke it. I think I did. But I don't really know. I guess it's just what I define to myself as what it means to be straight edge.
Honestly, I really don't think I'll ever smoke pot again in my life. But I'll drink again one day, I'm sure. Just the way things were in my life when I chose to quit everything, I needed to because when I did them I was irresponsible. I was stupid and I let them control my life. I feel as though now I could do things with still as much control of my life, because I would do them responsibly.
This has been something that's been on my mind for a really long time, continuing to not drink, smoke, or fuck, but after last night I really needed to get this all out and thought through.
I think I'll drop the label of being straight edge. But still for the time being, chose not to drink or smoke. And as far as the "fuck" part goes, I really don't know.
For a long time I thought that I needed to be in love to have sex. I now know that I definitely do not, because looking back I did have sex without love.
There is one person in my life that I have been in love with. I know I did because I still love him. And love is forever. To this day I would do anything for him, anything. I don't have intimate feelings for him, but I still love him. I miss him too. I really haven't seen him this summer. He made such a huge impact on my life in the last 2 years or so. So much of the person I am today is because of him. I love you Alex.
But, like I was saying before, I thought I needed love to have sex. I don't, I know I don't. I think I just thought that's how I wanted sex to be for me. I wanted to be able to count all the people I had ever had sex with on one hand. Well, there's 2 slots left. But, why do I need to be able to do that? If I really do want to have sex with other people that I'm not in love with, why shouldn't I?
Is being true to myself keeping that number less than five, or is it having sex when I want with whoever I want? Is being true to myself being straight edge or not?
And fuck the people who say if you're not straight edge if you aren’t straight edge for life. I was straight edge for a good chunk of time and I lived that life style. And I still might. And fuck whoever says if you break it you can never be it again. It's a choice and a lifestyle. A choice I made, a life style I lived.
I just think that that part of my life I'm ready to put in the past and move on. I really don't think I’ll smoke or drink anything anytime soon. But I think I'm dropping the label.
I don't know, it's just been on my mind a lot. I guess I'll just see what happens. Sorry if this was so scatter brained and unorganized, I just kinda wrote what came to mind.
|5 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
|Sunday, July 4th, 2004|
I went to Gunnison at the beginning of the week. That was really nice. Spent some time with Amber and Justin. Justin and I went hiking one day. It was really, really great. I really enjoy his company and talking with him.
I saw Tim and Craig too. Craig is super sexy. Tim and I hung out a little too, that was nice. He's a really nice guy, and I enjoy talking with him. I remember staying up and talking with him many nights last semester.
Then I left Gunnison and went to work.
That night Trae almost kissed me. It was interesting. He has a girlfriend, so I told him don't be dumb. But it was late, and no one was on 3rd floor. We went up there because he had to grind coffee. He pushed me against the wall and came real, real close to kissing me. That's when I told him to not be dumb. Yesterday he was acting so weird though. Hmm... whatever.
I haven't been on here in so long. I just haven't had the time. I work, then I stay out till like 4, sleep, get up go to work, stay out till 4, sleep, get up go to work. Today is the 4th, we're closed. I slept in and I have time to write.
I called my new roommate today. Her name is Emma and she's from Arvada. I left her a message.
OK, that's the random shit I suppose.
The other night a bunch of people from work played poker. Well, actually there were 2 night. 1st night I came in 2nd. Casey won. So it was just me and him for a while till the end. Justin (this Justin is different from the one in Gunnison) was like, putting his arms around me and stuff. I didn't really like it, especially with Casey right there. Whatever. 2nd night I didn't play. I just watched. A little while later this girl, Tina, showed up. She and Casey are seeing each other, I'm pretty sure. So that sucked. As soon as she got there I was just like ughhhh. She's really pretty too. I can see why he would like her. Casey was still super nice to me, and gave me a big hug goodbye and shit.
We're going on Friday! I got tickets; we're going to see the Colorado Symphony Orchestra play the music of Led Zeppelin. I'm really excited to do this with Casey. It'll be really nice to just have one on one time and shit. I'm already freakin' out about what I should wear. I just hope I can figure out if there's anything there, between us. I know it is for me, but I just really, really don't think he feels the same way about me as I do him. So hopefully I can get a better understanding about how he feels. I really have no expectations except to hear great music, and have a good time. I've got plenty of wishful thinking.
Last night I hung out with Justin. I worked till around 9, then we went to Denver. We were going to go see a movie, but it was way busy and I couldn't find a spot to park.
Then we went to Kelli Marying's house. It was really fun. Courtney, Cassie, Shelby, Kelsey, Monica, Kristin and some other people were there. I had a really good time, and so did Justin.
Then Justin and I went to Jake and Tracy's. Tracy is the funniest mother fucker ever. He makes me laugh my ass off. I'm pretty sure Jake knows I'm not interested in him. I feel bad. I have both shoes on, so to speak. I'm crazy about one guy, not sure if he likes me back. Then this other guy likes me a lot, and I'm not interested in him. But Jake is still totally cool with me, and we even got lunch together yesterday.
Justin and I left their apartment and went to Waffle House. This was around 2 in the morning. It was fun. We talked and played some music from the jukebox.
Then we went back to his apartment. And we ended up kissing. And that's all. I know he wanted more, but I had to leave. Plus, I didn't really want to do more. After I tried leaving like 10 times, he said to me, "We could really fuck each other up." I didn't really know what he meant. I didn't know if he meant fuck, like sex, or fuck like mess each other up. I still don't know. We're pretty fucking different. As far as the people that we are. We have similar interests, but we are very different people.
So, that's that I guess. Whatever, we kissed. I felt something there. For sure. But I've never had meaning less sex and shit before. Which, I thought that if Justin and I ever did anything, would be. And how am I supposed to know if like, all he wants is sex and just to mess around, or like if he really likes me? I mean where's that line and where's it defined? How do you know if it means nothing? What if it means something for one and not the other? I just don't know how this whole fuck buddy thing works. And I'm not saying this is what I'm going to do, because I really don't plan on it. I just want to know how it works and what it entails. And also, since Casey and Justin are friends... that's probably not the best thing I could have done. Or maybe it is good. But the only person I'd exclusively see is Casey. I don't want to be tied down. And I'm 99% sure Casey wouldn't want that. So, whatever.
I guess I'll just sit back and see what happens. I wish it was Friday.
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|Monday, June 28th, 2004|
I did it! I asked him! He got to work a few minutes after me, and I went up to him and asked him if I could talk to him. He said sure, in just a minute. So he came back, we went into the stair well and he was like what's up? I basically asked him if he was interested in me. He laughed, and said that he thinks I'm a really great person, that I have a great personality, that I'm beautiful, and that he loves hanging out with me, but that he's not really looking for a girlfriend because he's leaving for school. And I was like yeah, I'm leaving too, you know. And he knows that Jake likes me too, and he said that like he can't even say my name without those guys like saying stuff about me and whatnot. Not bad stuff, just like being guys or whatever, you know. I don't know, it went really well though. I told him that I've always had my eyes on him and stuff I just wanted to know if he had any mutual feelings. I still can't read him. I was like OK, I don't feel like I've accomplished what I wanted. And then I said, so do you want to go out some time or something, and he was like yeah, definitely. And I was like OK good; I'm holding you to that. And he's like OK good, hold me to it. And then he told me that he thought it was great that I approached him like that. He said it totally wasn't what he was expecting. He was like good for you Susie. It made me smile. God damn, I was so nervous. I knew whatever he would say would be nice, and what he said was pretty much what I expected, but I was just so fucking nervous. My stomach had a billion butterflies in it, and I just was sort of shaky. A really great feeling, honestly. So I was thinking, what should we do? I want to go out with him and have fun. I don't just want to go to a movie; I want to like go see a concert or something.
So today on the radio I heard that the Colorado Symphony Orchestra is playing the music of Led Zeppelin. Tickets aren't that expensive. I think it would be a great date. One you probably wouldn't forget. I've never seen a symphony orchestra before, but wouldn't that be fucking awesome to hear the music of Led Zeppelin? So I'm going to go into work today, see if we're working the 9th. Call him and ask him if he wants to go. I hope it all works out.
Today I met Courtney for lunch. It was so awesome. I love that girl so much, and I just love talking to her. We just talked and talked and talked and it was just so awesome. I talked to her about all the guys at work and all that stuff. She told me about
Last night Jake and I were supposed to see Fahrenheit 9/11 but I didn't get off work in time so I just went to his apartment. It was fun. I really like hanging out with Jake, and I think he's a good looking guy, but I wasn't much feeling it last night. He told me he liked me though... But we didn't really talk about it. I stayed there till almost 4 in the morning. We watched Rocky Mountain Horror Picture Show.
Then we played chess and I got my ass kicked. I was never good at that game. I still like it. I actually thought a lot about stuff like in my life while playing. When it was my turn, it was like if I moved a piece something would give. And I just keep looking for the best move. Because if I moved one piece then that meant that like his pieces could get it or whatever. And I was like, hmm this is what my life is like. Everything is in its place for the most part, and if something changes, the whole board changes. But there is a good move, somewhere. And it’s also important to make a series of moves together in a strategy. And you also have to count on the other person's moves. Hopefully that makes sense, because it was a good thought.
So I'm going to get ready to go to
I hope that Casey and I can go see that show. That would just be so incredible.
|11 hair so dark | clothes so styled|
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